An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
- - - - -
Learn more about how to publish your own book of humor.
Cheapskate is a self-published book that finds some humor in how individuals cope on a practical level in the existing financial crises.
It allows us to laugh at some of the coping skills we do not want to talk about. Readers will be able to see that cheapskate skills can be practiced by members of all financial classes. And, that sometimes the biggest cheapskates are the wealthy.
Cheapskate can be viewed as a humorous survival guide for these financially troubling times. Or, it can be taken to an unnecessary extreme called Cheapskavery.
Everyone must find their own balance. A photo frame that says Worlds Greatest Cheapskate and has Scrooge in it, but is really for your own photo. A thermometer or graph with frugal on one end and YMBACS on the other. (for You Might Be A CheapSkate)
- - - - -
Find out more about how to get your book published.
Unusual and interesting experiences during the maturation process enhance a person's perspective on life and shape one's sense of humor.
"Handsome" Dave Philo was the beneficiary of many twists and turns during childhood as well as varied types of vocations. He never met anyone who didn't think they had a sense of humor.
Meager as it may be, everyone knows what makes them chuckle. The advent of e-Mail and the relative ease of sharing what we deem as "comedy" with our friends has more than demonstrated that point. Most of the jokes we receive over the Internet are not funny. Some are interesting, some are boring and occasionally, some are funny.
Dave prides himself on being a connoisseur of comedy that honestly makes people laugh. Spend time with him and prepare to suffer through his select stable of funny stories that have stood the test of time.
Some of his favorite writers and comedians that helped shaped Dave's comedy heroes were Ernie Kovaks, Myron Cohen, Woody Allen, Mel Brooks Steven Wright and Kehlog Albran. All of these practitioners of humor display an uncanny ability to weave believability into their non-sequitor, bizarre mirth resulting in unexpected outcomes.
Over the years, Dave has collected a portfolio of his favorite funny stories. He has chosen to share them with you and allow you to enjoy his take on comedy. This self-published book of humor is named "LOL: The Century's Best Jokes". It really has no connection to the former 16th president but the use of his name in the title will probably help sell a few copies to the unsuspecting history buffs among us.
Read, chuckle and enjoy the book. He needs the money!
- - - - -
LOL your way to the publishing industry. Find out how to get a book published now.
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
- - - - -
Find out how to get a book of humor published.
A professor teaching medicine at the university was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."
Lesson learned!
for more college humor, check out this self-published book, College on the Rocks: a Collection of Humor Columns.
- - - - -
Find out how to get your book of humor published.
In every generation a great humor writer is born. Going far back in time, there was Sheckius the Great of Greece and Jerome Lepoopydoo of France. More recently we've had the delight of reading Carlos Dela Derriere y Gas of Chile, Ming Wa Ha Ha of China, and our very own Mark Twain and Dave Barry. This generation's greatest humor writer is Paul DeMaio.
Now introducing Paul DeMaio's first humor book, "Humor Me! - A Collection of Really Funny Stuff"! Six years in the making, Paul's newly released self-published book is now available on virtual bookshelves throughout the world.
If you have enjoyed Paul's columns in the past, then you'll definitely love his self-published book, uncut and uncensored, and even unedited! It's actually two, yes, two books in one.
The first book is a compilation of Paul's greatest columns, chapters are on such topics as when NOT to use Call Waiting, the saga of Benny the Amazing Fetching Cat, how to risk your life sailing, bad manners when already eating with your hands, and Romeo & Juliet as you've never seen them before.
The second book, or "Is There Life After College?", asks the question, "Is There Life After College?" Paul starts with graduation from college and deals with the humorous side of issues that individuals face upon entering the Real World. Paul offers advice in a tongue-in-cheek manner and gives hilarious personal accounts. Topics include: what they should have taught in college, creatively padding the resume, continued use of the student ID, the "Month of No Blame" at work, and Real World dating nuances to name a few.
If you want a book to make you laugh out loud, then THIS IS IT! You will love "Humor Me! - A Collection of Really Funny Stuff".
What the World is Saying About "Humor Me! - A Collection of Really Funny Stuff"...
- "Reading Mr. DeMaio's book made me forget all about having sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky." - Bill Clinton
- "If you don't get it, you don't get it. Paul DeMaio doesn't get it!" - The Washington Post
- "If Dave Barry is the King of Humor, then Paul DeMaio is the Prince of Wails." - USA Today
- "Two words: Dope." - GQ
- "I'm truly proud that there is someone out there who still appreciates writing and humor and can put the two together as creatively as numb nuts here." - Jes S., Kentucky
- "Tee-hee-hee-hee-hee-ha-ha-ha-ha-HA-HA-HA-HA! Very funny! I love it!" - Lisa F., Oregon
- "If Groucho were here today he'd smell real bad. DeMaio's newest work smells even worse!" - The Onion
- "This book is a waste of a tree." - Greenpeace
- "Please buy this book! Paul almost has enough money saved up to move out of the house. I beg you!" - DeMaio's Mother
- "Mom! Don't tell them that! They might believe you!" - Paul DeMaio
- "Sorry, dear." - DeMaio's Mother
- - - - -
An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”
The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”
The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”
- - - - -
A police officer pulls over this guy who’s been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”
The man says, “Sorry, officer, I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”
“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”
“I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”
“Well, then, we need a urine sample.”
“I’m sorry, officer, I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I’ll get really low blood sugar.”
“All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”
“I can’t do that, officer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m drunk.”
- - - - -
Find out how to get your book published.
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asks about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a ’Thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there are a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."
Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning, the barber goes to open up, and there... waiting at his door...
...are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
- - - - -
Find out how to get a book of humor published.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." He sighed...
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box..."
- - - - -
Having your written work published should not be a puzzle. Find out how to get your book published now.
Neighborhood
Explore friends, family, friends & family, or entire neighborhood.
Links
Publishing the Business of ...
what self-published book authors say about management
How to cook good food and how to publish cookbooks
Photography and Self Publis...
In one of his books in the series (Brief Encounters), Nic...
Recent Comments
-
telia said:
Not sure that it is so) nevertheless thank you. read more
on Screening Your Potential Husband -
islandhippie_40 said:
Hi, thank`s for the article that you wrote your article... A lot of time I was trying to find some... read more
on Politically [In]Correct Humor [?]
on Politically Correct Haircuts